30 years with a regular bed.

On December 8, 2016 I had to get a medical bed for the first time in my life. I have fought it off for years and years. This time I couldn't fight it off. In order for me to get this flap surgery that I need for a open wound that I have had for a very long time I had to get this.
I hate it. It's ugly. It's so uncomfortable. Takes me forever to fall asleep now. I have to try, and find position to sleep in. I toss and turn more than half the night. :( My sleeping pattern has changed. It has changed for massively bad for me. It's just not something I wanted. 
Me and my mom mentioned to the doctors that we wanted other options. I was told originally that they would look into other options then they just went back to original choice. A damn medical bed. Even it is jazzed up what's to make a difference it's still a hospital bed. Same thing just spiced up. 

When I do Karaoke.

I may not be the best singer of the night, but I enjoy singing with my friends. I started a few years ago with live band karaoke, but now it doesn’t matter what kind of karaoke it is. If my friends are hosting it, or will be taking part it I’m going to try. It’s another way I can be myself. I love music. I’m not just the girl in the wheelchair. I’m the girl who gets up there, and sings. Although I’d rather not the song or songs myself I’d like to do it with a friend. I feel more comfortable singing with someone else, because if you are suppose to go really high on a note, or a section I can do it lower, and let whomever I’m singing with help me, and do it the right way. Some is hard for me to do, but I will try almost anything except rapping songs. I don’t rap. Karaoke is a way for me to escape for a few hours with whatever is going on in my life. Lately a lot of medical stuff. I can enjoy being with friends. Karaoke is a way for me to get away from everything, and hang out with people I care about. Music is important to me. Whether I’m the one singing, or listening to someone else sing. Either way. I love it.

I'm always the sister or the Best Friend Never anything more..

Every time I think someone likes me it turns out they don't see me anymore than just a friend. A little sister or something like that. Never anything more. I'm getting real tired of it. When do I get my chance at love? I know I'm different being in a wheelchair, but I want my chance at love..
I'm tired of being lonely. I don't do alone well that's why I like hanging out with my friends, but I would take someone who loves me, and cares about me more than just a friend anytime.

The last half 2015 wasn't great.

We had a pretty January-to end of June 2015. That was until my mom's van broke down. It wasn't something cheap. It was $1600-1800 to fixed. It was the transmission. We didn't have that much money. Although still worked pretty good if that got fixed. 
We ended up going multiple weeks without a car. Had to end up buying a new car. One really couldn't afford, but we had to have something to drive. It was very boring time.  Also we had to figure out to pay for it. My mom's sister helped us with the down payment. For credit we used my credit score. The household income as a whole. It makes use strap for money real, but we had no other choice. 
Me and my mom are splitting the payment. It takes half my check almost every month. I don't even know how we are going to do in 2016. My Aunt helped us with that to for a few months, but she really didn't want to. Starting January we have to figure it out. I've cut out a lot of things already. Most of what I pay for now I can't cut out. I don't know what we are going to do. 

hacking through my medicines and sometimes throwing up during them.

I stopped crushing my medicines because the pudding was messing up my stomach. I went back to the way I was doing them before with cereal, and food the pill stuck in something soft, and take another bite, and it all goes down. I will sometimes hack and cough my through. I usually take drink of something before, but not during, because I'm not going throw up the drink to that defeats the purpose of everything.  I usually do okay except one I can't get it to go down at all. I end up throwing mucus. I don't know if throw up the pill. Then I cough for like 5 minutes after I'm down.
My mom says its in my head its not in my head. I don't even think about taking my medicines. It just happens. I'm so sick of her accusing me of things like that. Things happen. Find a way to take it or stop taking it period. It gets old every day her saying. I'm so tired of it. You try to get her to stop, but she doesn't know the meaning of stop in any regards to anything not just my medicines.

Why are people so evil?

Trust is earned. It can be taken away just as easy. These last few weeks. I've been in a state of confusion. Not because of my medical issues. People have hurt me my entire life with emotions. Lies and hurtful words. When it happened to me again this around I didn't even see it, because I was so use to it. I just thought they were telling the truth. I had to listen to my best friend, before I could even see it. I can't believe I don't see the people who want to hurt me or my friends emotionally.  Sometimes I feel so stupid, when it comes to things like being taken advantage of, which is what I think I was for at least 8-9 months maybe a year. I was in a deep confusion. For a while I wasn't believing anyone, but then my best friend told me exactly what was happening, and I saw it. In the process I hurt my friends of my confusion, and depression a little bit. I'm already overwhelmed by everything going on. I really didn't need that to, but it happened, and I felt such like a idiot.

Not the most stable person. Emotionally.

I've always struggled with depression. I use to take medicine. I don't know though.  I had trouble taking them when i was younger. I had some nightmares, and other things happen. I struggle with it though. I try not to let things get to me, but that never happens. Something always happens that makes me have something happen. Emotionally. Usually a cry fest. 
For years and especially in the last few years I have not always been the most stable person emotionally. I can be really stupid sometimes. Other than Cry. I've done other things that I'm not always proud of, but I'm learning to control a lot of it. It's not so bad a lot of the times. I have my moments. Where it does it get bad. That I go back to my dumb things. 
I don't handle things correctly mostly. I have a lot going on, but so do other people. I just let things get to me more than other people. When I don't feel good. It's worse than ever sometimes. What I'm going through is no excuse, but things happen sometimes in not good places. Unfortunately things have happened at in public. In the middle of things happening I don't see it as being embarrassed. When I get home I see it as total embarrassment. I just try to be the best person I can. 
Sometimes I stay to myself. Sometimes all I want do is be by my friends cause they are what keep me going other than my faith in God. I'm just so tired of many things going on in my life. Physically emotionally. Every trip to a doctors appointment gets me more and more drained. I wish i didn't have just my mom with me. I really need my people. My friends. My family is important to me to, but sometimes I just want my friends. With all this medical stuff I just want to scream sometimes. It's getting hard on me. i know I'm strong, but sometimes I wonder if I can make it. It's getting to much for me. I'm getting tired of it. I worry about missing my friends when I go in the hospital, but I also don't know how much more I can do of this either.