hacking through my medicines and sometimes throwing up during them.

I stopped crushing my medicines because the pudding was messing up my stomach. I went back to the way I was doing them before with cereal, and food the pill stuck in something soft, and take another bite, and it all goes down. I will sometimes hack and cough my through. I usually take drink of something before, but not during, because I'm not going throw up the drink to that defeats the purpose of everything.  I usually do okay except one I can't get it to go down at all. I end up throwing mucus. I don't know if throw up the pill. Then I cough for like 5 minutes after I'm down.
My mom says its in my head its not in my head. I don't even think about taking my medicines. It just happens. I'm so sick of her accusing me of things like that. Things happen. Find a way to take it or stop taking it period. It gets old every day her saying. I'm so tired of it. You try to get her to stop, but she doesn't know the meaning of stop in any regards to anything not just my medicines.

Why are people so evil?

Trust is earned. It can be taken away just as easy. These last few weeks. I've been in a state of confusion. Not because of my medical issues. People have hurt me my entire life with emotions. Lies and hurtful words. When it happened to me again this around I didn't even see it, because I was so use to it. I just thought they were telling the truth. I had to listen to my best friend, before I could even see it. I can't believe I don't see the people who want to hurt me or my friends emotionally.  Sometimes I feel so stupid, when it comes to things like being taken advantage of, which is what I think I was for at least 8-9 months maybe a year. I was in a deep confusion. For a while I wasn't believing anyone, but then my best friend told me exactly what was happening, and I saw it. In the process I hurt my friends of my confusion, and depression a little bit. I'm already overwhelmed by everything going on. I really didn't need that to, but it happened, and I felt such like a idiot.

Not the most stable person. Emotionally.

I've always struggled with depression. I use to take medicine. I don't know though.  I had trouble taking them when i was younger. I had some nightmares, and other things happen. I struggle with it though. I try not to let things get to me, but that never happens. Something always happens that makes me have something happen. Emotionally. Usually a cry fest. 
For years and especially in the last few years I have not always been the most stable person emotionally. I can be really stupid sometimes. Other than Cry. I've done other things that I'm not always proud of, but I'm learning to control a lot of it. It's not so bad a lot of the times. I have my moments. Where it does it get bad. That I go back to my dumb things. 
I don't handle things correctly mostly. I have a lot going on, but so do other people. I just let things get to me more than other people. When I don't feel good. It's worse than ever sometimes. What I'm going through is no excuse, but things happen sometimes in not good places. Unfortunately things have happened at in public. In the middle of things happening I don't see it as being embarrassed. When I get home I see it as total embarrassment. I just try to be the best person I can. 
Sometimes I stay to myself. Sometimes all I want do is be by my friends cause they are what keep me going other than my faith in God. I'm just so tired of many things going on in my life. Physically emotionally. Every trip to a doctors appointment gets me more and more drained. I wish i didn't have just my mom with me. I really need my people. My friends. My family is important to me to, but sometimes I just want my friends. With all this medical stuff I just want to scream sometimes. It's getting hard on me. i know I'm strong, but sometimes I wonder if I can make it. It's getting to much for me. I'm getting tired of it. I worry about missing my friends when I go in the hospital, but I also don't know how much more I can do of this either.

I'm 29 years old not 12-15 years old.

Around my house my mom treats me so much like I'm not adult. I get so tired of it. Most of the time I am required to do things I don't want to go places I don't want to go like if I wasn't adult. I don't get to make my own decisions. I don't have my own brain. I have to do what I'm told to do. Yes, I still live at home with my parents, but I still think there are some situations where should be able to make my own decisions. I struggle with whether I'm a real adult or I'm a child most days, because of the way I'm treated. It's hard.

Medical Stuff

I have a lot more medical stuff to deal besides just a flap. I'm going to have to have at least two extra surgeries before they even do the flap. It's going to be a much longer process than I thought. I'm already exhausted most of the time, because I haven't slept much lately, but I can't take anything most days, because the home health nurse comes. I'm easy to wake up when I don't take anything, but unless I kind of wake up on my own when I take something I'm not the easiest person to wake up. So I just have to deal with it. I'm getting so tired of it though. This month is going to be even more harder to sleep, because I have a lot of doctors appointments.
As I've gotten older I've had to deal with a lot more medical stuff than I ever thought I would have to deal with. Lately I've seen my home health nurse more than I've seen my friends even after we got the new car, which we had to get, because the transmission went out in the van about a month ago. All of this stuff is just making me so exhausted and nervous. Most of the time I don't feel like many of my friends are interested in helping me through it. I know it's probably not true, but from my point of view that's what I see sometimes several times.

My friends have decided to let me rot in this house.

Our transmission went out several weeks ago, and instead of helping me go places that be fun, or even a trip to the grocery store. My friends have decided I'm not important, and have decided, because of the distance I live from most of them they will let me rot in this house of crap. I'm tired of it. It's been since June 28. I don't see an ending to it at all. I would like to go see some of my friends, and hang out with them, but right now I'm so mad at them. I don't want to see any of them. I just want to be able to go to the doctor like I'm suppose to. Maybe take a trip about six miles from house, and go up to wal-mart for a few hours. My friends are useless. They aren't usually useless. Right now I don't care if any of them see it. I'm not wanting money or anything. I just want a damn helping hand to be able to go to the grocery store or to see me for a little while instead of let me sit in my room 24/7 staring a damn computer screen. If they don't watch I could do something that they won't have to think about me about all anymore, which is probably what they are doing now.
Unless our old pastor gets something. I don't see this ending at all. My aunt has changed her mind about going to go look tomorrow with my mom. Unless the pastor helps or a miracle happens like a donated car this will never end. I believe that with everything I have. I'm not very strong right now. All I've done for about two weeks, or close to it is sit watch t.v., be on my computer. I'm tired of all. I'm bored of all.
I can't believe that the situation will change when I enter the hospital in August. Just like last year not many will show up.

My situation at home.

With our family financial situation we are currently in. Even though I'm 29 years old, and do many things I want to if I'm able to. Some days I feel like I live in a dictatorship. People telling me when I can go, and where I can go. My dad thinks with this new situation with our van, and even before then when we told him we were going out to hang out with my friends it was most of the time awful. Now with the van, and we have to get a car loan through the place we getting it, and him having to sign the papers for the loan its worse. He's always had a temper, but its worse now, or at least it seems that way. My mom does it occasionally, but most of the time, or a lot of the time you can reason with her. 

I am about to be down for up to 3-6 months. My friends are the most important people in my life. Yeah my parents are to, but they aren't the ones that can put me in zone of peace. My friends are the people that can do that. I alive today because of the people around keeping me sane. My friends can't always do that, but its a better situation with them. At home I have yelling between my parents about everything from what we do to bills, and being accused of stealing money. Well my dad does that to my mom. My don't have a job, so we can't get out. Right now since we will probably get this new car/van. I wouldn't even try right now anyway. 

I seriously just need to escape maybe not permanently, but at least for some time like maybe 24-48 hours would be perfect, but that's not even happening right now, because of the van situation.  I'm getting tired of all of this crap. I just want to go somewhere not be around it period. Maybe when I'm in the hospital my mom can figure it out, and I won't have to return to a dictatorship.