The last half 2015 wasn't great.

We had a pretty January-to end of June 2015. That was until my mom's van broke down. It wasn't something cheap. It was $1600-1800 to fixed. It was the transmission. We didn't have that much money. Although still worked pretty good if that got fixed. 
We ended up going multiple weeks without a car. Had to end up buying a new car. One really couldn't afford, but we had to have something to drive. It was very boring time.  Also we had to figure out to pay for it. My mom's sister helped us with the down payment. For credit we used my credit score. The household income as a whole. It makes use strap for money real, but we had no other choice. 
Me and my mom are splitting the payment. It takes half my check almost every month. I don't even know how we are going to do in 2016. My Aunt helped us with that to for a few months, but she really didn't want to. Starting January we have to figure it out. I've cut out a lot of things already. Most of what I pay for now I can't cut out. I don't know what we are going to do. 

hacking through my medicines and sometimes throwing up during them.

I stopped crushing my medicines because the pudding was messing up my stomach. I went back to the way I was doing them before with cereal, and food the pill stuck in something soft, and take another bite, and it all goes down. I will sometimes hack and cough my through. I usually take drink of something before, but not during, because I'm not going throw up the drink to that defeats the purpose of everything.  I usually do okay except one I can't get it to go down at all. I end up throwing mucus. I don't know if throw up the pill. Then I cough for like 5 minutes after I'm down.
My mom says its in my head its not in my head. I don't even think about taking my medicines. It just happens. I'm so sick of her accusing me of things like that. Things happen. Find a way to take it or stop taking it period. It gets old every day her saying. I'm so tired of it. You try to get her to stop, but she doesn't know the meaning of stop in any regards to anything not just my medicines.

Why are people so evil?

Trust is earned. It can be taken away just as easy. These last few weeks. I've been in a state of confusion. Not because of my medical issues. People have hurt me my entire life with emotions. Lies and hurtful words. When it happened to me again this around I didn't even see it, because I was so use to it. I just thought they were telling the truth. I had to listen to my best friend, before I could even see it. I can't believe I don't see the people who want to hurt me or my friends emotionally.  Sometimes I feel so stupid, when it comes to things like being taken advantage of, which is what I think I was for at least 8-9 months maybe a year. I was in a deep confusion. For a while I wasn't believing anyone, but then my best friend told me exactly what was happening, and I saw it. In the process I hurt my friends of my confusion, and depression a little bit. I'm already overwhelmed by everything going on. I really didn't need that to, but it happened, and I felt such like a idiot.

Not the most stable person. Emotionally.

I've always struggled with depression. I use to take medicine. I don't know though.  I had trouble taking them when i was younger. I had some nightmares, and other things happen. I struggle with it though. I try not to let things get to me, but that never happens. Something always happens that makes me have something happen. Emotionally. Usually a cry fest. 
For years and especially in the last few years I have not always been the most stable person emotionally. I can be really stupid sometimes. Other than Cry. I've done other things that I'm not always proud of, but I'm learning to control a lot of it. It's not so bad a lot of the times. I have my moments. Where it does it get bad. That I go back to my dumb things. 
I don't handle things correctly mostly. I have a lot going on, but so do other people. I just let things get to me more than other people. When I don't feel good. It's worse than ever sometimes. What I'm going through is no excuse, but things happen sometimes in not good places. Unfortunately things have happened at in public. In the middle of things happening I don't see it as being embarrassed. When I get home I see it as total embarrassment. I just try to be the best person I can. 
Sometimes I stay to myself. Sometimes all I want do is be by my friends cause they are what keep me going other than my faith in God. I'm just so tired of many things going on in my life. Physically emotionally. Every trip to a doctors appointment gets me more and more drained. I wish i didn't have just my mom with me. I really need my people. My friends. My family is important to me to, but sometimes I just want my friends. With all this medical stuff I just want to scream sometimes. It's getting hard on me. i know I'm strong, but sometimes I wonder if I can make it. It's getting to much for me. I'm getting tired of it. I worry about missing my friends when I go in the hospital, but I also don't know how much more I can do of this either.

I'm 29 years old not 12-15 years old.

Around my house my mom treats me so much like I'm not adult. I get so tired of it. Most of the time I am required to do things I don't want to go places I don't want to go like if I wasn't adult. I don't get to make my own decisions. I don't have my own brain. I have to do what I'm told to do. Yes, I still live at home with my parents, but I still think there are some situations where should be able to make my own decisions. I struggle with whether I'm a real adult or I'm a child most days, because of the way I'm treated. It's hard.

Medical Stuff

I have a lot more medical stuff to deal besides just a flap. I'm going to have to have at least two extra surgeries before they even do the flap. It's going to be a much longer process than I thought. I'm already exhausted most of the time, because I haven't slept much lately, but I can't take anything most days, because the home health nurse comes. I'm easy to wake up when I don't take anything, but unless I kind of wake up on my own when I take something I'm not the easiest person to wake up. So I just have to deal with it. I'm getting so tired of it though. This month is going to be even more harder to sleep, because I have a lot of doctors appointments.
As I've gotten older I've had to deal with a lot more medical stuff than I ever thought I would have to deal with. Lately I've seen my home health nurse more than I've seen my friends even after we got the new car, which we had to get, because the transmission went out in the van about a month ago. All of this stuff is just making me so exhausted and nervous. Most of the time I don't feel like many of my friends are interested in helping me through it. I know it's probably not true, but from my point of view that's what I see sometimes several times.

My friends have decided to let me rot in this house.

Our transmission went out several weeks ago, and instead of helping me go places that be fun, or even a trip to the grocery store. My friends have decided I'm not important, and have decided, because of the distance I live from most of them they will let me rot in this house of crap. I'm tired of it. It's been since June 28. I don't see an ending to it at all. I would like to go see some of my friends, and hang out with them, but right now I'm so mad at them. I don't want to see any of them. I just want to be able to go to the doctor like I'm suppose to. Maybe take a trip about six miles from house, and go up to wal-mart for a few hours. My friends are useless. They aren't usually useless. Right now I don't care if any of them see it. I'm not wanting money or anything. I just want a damn helping hand to be able to go to the grocery store or to see me for a little while instead of let me sit in my room 24/7 staring a damn computer screen. If they don't watch I could do something that they won't have to think about me about all anymore, which is probably what they are doing now.
Unless our old pastor gets something. I don't see this ending at all. My aunt has changed her mind about going to go look tomorrow with my mom. Unless the pastor helps or a miracle happens like a donated car this will never end. I believe that with everything I have. I'm not very strong right now. All I've done for about two weeks, or close to it is sit watch t.v., be on my computer. I'm tired of all. I'm bored of all.
I can't believe that the situation will change when I enter the hospital in August. Just like last year not many will show up.

My situation at home.

With our family financial situation we are currently in. Even though I'm 29 years old, and do many things I want to if I'm able to. Some days I feel like I live in a dictatorship. People telling me when I can go, and where I can go. My dad thinks with this new situation with our van, and even before then when we told him we were going out to hang out with my friends it was most of the time awful. Now with the van, and we have to get a car loan through the place we getting it, and him having to sign the papers for the loan its worse. He's always had a temper, but its worse now, or at least it seems that way. My mom does it occasionally, but most of the time, or a lot of the time you can reason with her. 

I am about to be down for up to 3-6 months. My friends are the most important people in my life. Yeah my parents are to, but they aren't the ones that can put me in zone of peace. My friends are the people that can do that. I alive today because of the people around keeping me sane. My friends can't always do that, but its a better situation with them. At home I have yelling between my parents about everything from what we do to bills, and being accused of stealing money. Well my dad does that to my mom. My don't have a job, so we can't get out. Right now since we will probably get this new car/van. I wouldn't even try right now anyway. 

I seriously just need to escape maybe not permanently, but at least for some time like maybe 24-48 hours would be perfect, but that's not even happening right now, because of the van situation.  I'm getting tired of all of this crap. I just want to go somewhere not be around it period. Maybe when I'm in the hospital my mom can figure it out, and I won't have to return to a dictatorship. 

What is going on with this world right now.

People can't even have rights in this world without it other people complaining about it. I am a Christian. Yes, I have beliefs. I also believe that everyone should be able to do what they want get married, have kids, get a job, meet people, etc. Although I don't think the government should be able to say anything about marriage. I also agree with the Supreme Court should have made it where everyone should get married. 
I mean each state could say whether or not same- sex couples could get married.  
Most Christians I know are all up in war saying its wrong. God loves everyone. I'm freaking tired people complaining about this world. All that's on my facebook page lately since the various issues have come to light. You can only block so much stuff. Everyone just needs to get a long.

Struggling at home.

Where I live other than being able to see my friends basically when I want, because my will drive me since I don't know my license. UGH!! When I am at home its a real struggle. Either my parents are yelling at each other times, or me and my mom are getting into it. That's basically because she's calling me rude, or something other name. That I'm tired of it. At least my dad will respect that I'm 29 years old. For several years now my mom as NEVER respected that I'm adult. All she says is I live in this house. I.E. with my parents. She doesn't respect anything. I'm getting tired of it.
I'm suppose to have surgery again sometime in August. I'm hoping that once I go in I can make some changes not have to be around them anymore. Downside is I'll won't be able to go see my friends play anymore probably. Although its a VERY BIG price to pay if I can get some change I would really like for something to change. I'm tired of yelling, being yelled at, or hearing yelling. I'm tired of my whole situation.
Some days I wish I was married to my best friend, and not living here.  My friend is a Great Guy. 
I just wish I had a different life lately. I EXTREMELY enjoy going to go see my friends play, but I honestly don't know how much more I can take of any of this. I can't do anything right when it comes to my mom. She's says she can't do anything right either, but on my end either its the same thing. Even if you try to talk to her she'll blow up. She claims my dad does it, and he might also do it, but she doesn't even see that she doesn't it to. They both think they can do no wrong. I'm just stuck in the middle not the best place to be. 
I'm tired of it. I want it to be over. I will lose ALOT, but I will also gain peace, and peace is what I need right now. 

Feeling sad all the time.

On July 23, 2015. I go to the plastic surgeon to discuss my open wound surgery. I'm having a difficult time coming to grips with the idea of staying in one place for multiple weeks. Also the after rehab or bed rest at home.
I'm a very out going person. This is will be a whole new thing for me. My room is pretty small so I don't know if I really want people coming over after get home if I have to do bed rest, but while I'm in the hospital, or if I have to do rehab either at the hospital or at a another location I wouldn't mind visitors there. It's kind of far and at the hospital you have to pay parking, so I feel sad my friends have to pay go visit me.

Right now. I'm just sitting in my room basically a lot or have recently, because of the rain in Texas. Looking at four walls not really what I want to before I will have to do that when I have surgery. 

I'm just not myself right now. I don't know what's happen. It's probably everything I've been through over the last year, and continue to go through. Thankfully no doctors appointments until July. 

Only time I'm really happy is when I'm around my friends. 

Having difficult time.

Over the last few weeks I've been having difficultly of seeing people who are my friends and have my back. I understand people have day jobs, or are musicians, or work in the music industry. I know sometimes I can't go see music, because its too expensive if there's a fee to get in. 

The point of this is. July 23rd, 2015. I will go in for appointment to plan my next surgery, which not only will be a Much  longer recovery.  I will also be in the hospital longer and probably have to go rehab. The surgery is flap for the open wound. The short details is that I know is I will have to lay on my stomach 3-4 weeks, and possibly in the hospital 8 weeks, and that doesn't even include bed rest once I'm home.

I do not do alone well at all. Not be able to move is very hard for me to deal with. On top of that right now I honestly don't know who I can trust to at very least text/call facebook me to check on me. Like having my back. I see my friends, and I'm like they are so busy, will be there for me even for a minute even its not a visit to the hospital. I need this surgery, but I also need people to help me get through this I can't do it on my own except for my parents its just to hard.

I basically felt like I recovered from my back surgery by myself. I had a few friends help me get through it the first time, so I'm not saying no one helped, but I wish I could have had more.  I wouldn't have gotten so depressed. Yes, I do battle depression these last two years. I feel like I've been through hell and back, and still partially going through hell. This is just very difficult for me.

I understand people have jobs, gigs, girlfriends/boyfriends, kids, whatever people have in their normal lives, but I just sometimes feel like I've been forgotten lately, unless I see them in person.

I know this sounds stupid its just been really for me lately.

My cell number. I have two phones, but I'm giving one to my mom, and I'm keeping the one from the Wal-Mart Family plan. My Number # 469-740-4656

What Singing Means to Me

When I get up and do karaoke at II Brothers with Presley, or at Rix with Danny. For the most part I either do songs I know and like really well, or have done them before when I went to karaoke a few years ago. I have several ways really of the way I pick song. I'm usually all over the places. Sometimes I will do a song that has meaning to me. Other times I will do a song that I just plain like. Other times I will do a song that I have learned from going to see cover bands play, and they have played the song, and I liked so I will try, and learn it on my own. 

Even though that's how I pick my songs. I still sometimes get confused where to start the song, or when not to sing.So sometimes I feel more comfortable singing with someone, but I don't always get that if my friends don't know the song, which is okay i usually handle it good, but for me its much more fun to sing with someone not just for back-up, but just because I feel more comfortable doing it that, but sometimes I'm all over the place my friends don't know the song. Like seriously I'm all over the place. I can start with country, and end with like a Journey song, and other stuff in between depends how many times I get up there.

I have to give up to my best friend Presley, because we've been singing together in a non-full band setting for a while now. Most of the time karaoke, one time when he did a jam session with some musicians there was no lyrics. I just followed him. He's really easy follow guide you through songs.

 The other person I have to give a hand to is Danny, because even though his karaoke new he's helped by getting up on stage so I can see the lyrics, and sometimes with the singing.

Sometimes it's hard to tell if either are singing with me, but I like to get up there, and not just be the girl in the wheelchair with a whole bunch of medical issues right now. I want to be the girl who can sing even if I screw up. Although I'm tough on myself, because I've always wanted to do a little singing ever since I found my voice I don't know have memory to memorize songs. 

My Emotions

I'm a VERY Emotional person. I don't know sometimes I can just crying, and fall apart reallybad. It's gotten worse since I started getting treatment for my back and my open wound. It really all started in January 2014 or 2013 I don't remember. The surgery wasn't originally wasn't until August 2014. Now with all this other stuff going on attached to it. I just can't handle it anymore. I can't take anti-depressed medicine right now, because a lot of those you take a night, and I never know when home health is coming on Monday, Wednesday, Friday for wound vac change. If I'm not in the hospital in the next few weeks, because of my high CRP number. I could use several HUGE distractions. It may or may not help.
I do know hanging with my friends helps a least some, because I might think about it, but its not a the front of my mind. When I'm at home or at clinic AKA doctors appointment I'm kind by myself, and thinking about everything that's going on. 

Some days I feel like all I want to do is crawl up into a ball, and cry my eyes out.  Some days I do at night. If I'm at home. I've even done it in front of several friends.

That's the main reason I'm typing this. Hoping people will understand this. 

I mean I have to figure out the CRP thing, and then get prepared for this summer when I cave and do the flap on my open wound. I've just got a lot going on. I try to not to complain, but sometimes that's the way it sounds like I'm complaining, which that's not the point. 

One of my Passions is Sports.

I had a back surgery one summer about 18 years ago. That's when I originally had the rods placed for scoliosis, and then remember in August 2014. There really wasn't much on the T.V., because it was summer. So everything was a repeat, and not many summer series like there are today. So some orderly told me to watch the NBA Finals was on. The Bulls were in the Finals that year with Michael Jordan, but that was first time I really fell in love with sports. 
I always watched Cowboys with my family. Either on my mom's side or my dad's side, but that's when I fell in love with basketball. Now it's not just basketball that I love. 
I like pretty much all except for Golf, Tennis, Boxing, UFC, and MMA. Although I will say that if Americans are playing in Tennis, and its a major tournament I will watch it. Pretty much everything else I like at least a little bit. 
I even appreciate most of the disciplines in Olympics. There are few that I don't watch much of it, but many of the disciplines I watch the entire discipline through to the medal round. 
My favorite Sports to watching in kind of the order I will watch them. 
1. Basketball (College, NBA, WNBA, Men's and Women's)
2. Football
3. Baseball 
4. Hockey
5. Tennis.
Also every four years Olympics. Both Summer and Winter. I couldn't say how much of each I watch it's probably pretty even. Both the men and the women. 

Open Wound Flap Surgery.

This is something different from my CRP being so high. Although it does mean there is infection somewhere in my body they just don't where it is, not an exact science of where my infection. I have more doctors appointments in the next few weeks. CRP information will be given updated via my status on my facebook page.

I will also post some of the stuff about the doctors appointments in the next few weeks also on my blog. So don't worry if you aren't my facebook page. It's okay. Some of it will be here to. The REALLY IMPORTANT parts.

I went to the plastic surgeon the people who is treating the wound by my tailbone. They are also taking care of the wound vac. The device in my lap.  They basically told me I will eventually have to have it. I should have had it months ago like a few months after my original back surgery back August 2014, but this is a very difficult and longer recovery than the back surgery.

I will have to be in the hospital for several weeks then maybe a rehab place and home for several more weeks. I didn't feel comfortable spending that long that being in one place. I really don't know I'm tired of the wound vac so, I will probably do it this summer like I did last summer, but I had most of my summer to do whatever. Unless with CRP they make me do it sooner, but they won't if there is infection in the wound.

I do know one thing with ALL of this medical stuff going on, and once I do have surgery I'm going to feel even more alone than I did the first time even if my mom stayed this last time. Both times I was in the hospital for the surgery and when I got sick again at the end of August 2014.

I can promise you it will be ALOT worse on me than it was before when I had my back surgery.

I know people are EXTREMELY busy, but when they tell me surgery date for flap I do hope people will take time to see me. It will be at Parkland Hospital in Dallas. Now whether its the old or new one that depend on when it happens.

I will keep people updated with EVERYTHING VIA my Facebook Status on my page. There maybe a time two that I may tag a few friends, but that's only because if they check there notifications they will see tag, and maybe they will page more attention to it. It will definitely be highlighted on my page. Though. 

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Favorite places to sing Karaoke in the DFW AREA.

There are probably lots of places to go out, and have a good time singing karaoke. For me personally. I would rather do it with friends even if its people I hadn't seen in a while. It's a great way to get re-connected with them.
My Two fave places are 
II Brothers in Plano on Monday. With Roger Hayes, and Presley Beggs. Now they use to also have Beer Pong Game too. I haven't been in here in a few weeks, so I don't know if they still have Beer Pong. It is on the side of a late start, but if you don't mind that its good. From around 10pm-2am. The time depends on whether they are setup, or they are also having Beer Pong. Presley is one of my best friends. Roger Hayes is the DJ. They call me DJ Haze. He's a good person to. 
RIX in the The Colony on Friday. Although new I'm digging it. For several reasons. I get to hang with a really sweet guy I hadn't seen before two weeks ago in a really long time. Now if there's no live music I want to see, or is too far I can go hangout with him. Danny Allen is the DJ. He is also a really talented person. Just like Presley Beggs on Monday Nights.  
Although RIX karaoke is a little different he also likes to do dance party, so he will put a lot of music on, and you can just dance around. I get out there and dance around in my chair. This dance floor is huge. The only time I'm not out there is on the line dance stuff, or if there's a lot of people out there. 
There is no dance floor at II Brothers, which is okay to. The dancing is what makes RIX and II Brothers completely different places, and good in there own way.  The time varied. Danny says 9pm-2am, but a lot of times karaoke don't start until closer to 10pm. The first hour is dance party. 
Both have there flaws in my case, because in a wheelchair. II Brothers I sit completely off the stage. It's too small for me to be lifted with all the equipment. At RIX Danny turns me around backwards, and pops me up backwards. It's a much bigger stage. 

My Fave Verses/Scriptures

Some Bible Verses/Scriptures touch people in different ways. I can't explain why I likes Scriptures. These are the ones that speak to me. These are just a few of my fave. 

• John 3:16- For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.
• Isaiah 40:31- but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.
• Psalm 23- The LORD is my shepherd, I lack I lack nothing. He makes me lie down in the green pastures, he leads me beside quiet waters, he refreshes my soul. He guides me along the right paths for his name's sake. Even though I walk through the darkest valley, I will fear no evil, for you are with me;  your rod and your staff, they comfort me. You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies. You anoint my head with oil; my cup overflows. Surely your goodness and love will follow me all the days of my life, and I will dwell in the house of the LORD forever. 
• John 10:10- The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full. 
• Romans 8:28- And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him. who have been called according to his purpose.

Please Help with our bills

This is a link to help pay my family's bill. Please help.

Thanks.


http://www.gofundme.com/l8az3w

My Friends

          My friends are like my family. My family is VERY dysfunctional, so its really hard to sometimes love my family immediate family. With my friends it's not its easy. The see me for who I am. They respect me. Lately I haven't felt very respect by my immediate family meaning my parents. 
         I'm thankful God gave me those parents, but sometimes I just don't know what to say to them. It's difficult to talk to them. Some days I wish I could live on my own, or with my friends, but it just gets too heated between my me, and my parents, especially my mom. It also can get heated between my parents. 
        My friends are what keep me from that when I see them. I get to be with my friends, and stay calm. Try not to think about what is going on around me outside of hanging with them.  With the financial difficulties we are having the arguments between my parents can be rough, but the time I get to go hangout with my friends is the best time for me.
         If it weren't for my friends I honestly don't know where I would be. I could be in a mental hospital somewhere. Although that's where my dad believes I should be. 
         Especially my friends who are musicians. Music is my distractions besides my friends. It's just a plus if I can see them play, and be able to hang out with them. If they aren't to busy to at least come say hi. 
           I know my friends are busy. Musician friends, and Non-musician friends, but I enjoy the distractions when I get to see them, or talk to them. It's a good time. Some of my friends I can just be in the same room with them, and my mood will change. 

Snow and Sleet.

In the winter I hate it, because if the weather gets too bad with snow, sleet, or ice. I have to stay in the house except if school is open that's the only time I get to get out. It's really hard. I get cabin fever really bad. Especially this year I do, because when I had my back surgery, and placement of the wound vac. I was on I.V. medicines for six weeks. I also had a second hospital stay after getting out of the hospital the first time, so this year's winter weather was kind of worse me on emotionally having stay in the house, because I had to stay in from August 2014, to October 2014. It was just so hard my emotional state is just really bad right now.

Favorite Movies.

I like a lot of movies, but I'm going to try to narrow it down to my Top 5 or Top 10. 

1. Crossroads: With Britney Spears
2. The Last Song: With Miley Cyrus
3. A Walk to Remember: With Mandy Moore 
4. Remember the Titans: With Denzel Washington 
5. Heaven is For Real: With Greg Kinnear 
6. God's Not Dead: With Kevin Sorbo
7. We Are Marshall: With Matthew McConaughey 
8. High Musical 1,2,3: With Zac Efron
9. Brooke Ellison Story: With Lacey Chabert
10. All the Step Up Movies: Various Stars

Great Tablet, Phone,etc Bible Apps.

I don't completely understand everything I read about the Bible, but there are a few Bible Verses that Turn to. There is also a couple of apps I turn to. 
I also have other Christian Books, but I haven't read them much lately, I've been so busy with some medical issues I'm having It's just easier right now to grab my tablet, and both apps are on there.
The app are called: 
1. The Bible App 
- I use the bible app for daily verses and Devotions 
2. Bible Promises
-It also has a Daily Bible Verse. 
- It also has different topics you can select from to different bible verses from different topics. 
-Way to many for me to even count. I be there is close to at least twenty maybe more, maybe less. I really don't know. Never counted them. 
Now I have a Android Tablet. Both Apps are on there. I don't know about other technology sources. If the apps would work on tech stuff. 
I will be looking for a couple more to see if I like them, and then I will update.

Who I am?

• Name: I go my Rachel Lynn on Social networking sites, but my real last name is Cook.
• Age: 29
• Gender: Female 
• I am a Christian. 
• I love Sports
• I love Live Music. Any Kind. Cover, Original, Nation Wide Artist, whatever I can afford at the time.
• My Favorite Teams are Duke Blue Devils, Texas Longhorns, Dallas Cowboys, Dallas Mavericks, and sometimes I will watch Dallas Stars. 
• I have Spina Bifida, and Hydrocelpus
• I'm in a wheelchair. Full Time
• I do have depression bad sometimes. 
• I try to see the brighter picture in life, but I've struggled really bad lately.